James Cameron Sucks
I’m not much of a movie person. That in mind, I don’t watch many movies. If I’m going to watch a movie and waste 2 – 3 hours of my day, I make sure it’s actually worth it by reading up reviews on RottenTomatoes.com and/or The Internet Movie Database.1 Of course, this type of information wasn’t around when I was between the ages of 7 and 10. Too bad because it would have saved me from watching one of the worst films I have ever watched: Titanic.2
Some of you might be questioning: “What?! How can you hate Titanic! It’s positively the best romance sap story I’ve ever watched!” BLAH BLAH BLAH. Yes, it was depressing, yes it was based on a true events, yes we wanted Jack and Rose to be together forever and ever even though they’re not real. You’re forgetting on thing: the movie was boring. How it made so much money and won the affection of millions of girls around the globe is beyond me.3
The first… I don’t know, 2.75 hours4…? is filled with 1. rich people throwing their money in the air declaring how rich they are, 2. a boring dialogue that don’t make any sense and 3. a bunch of broke passengers getting drunk and dancing in a pub.
Honestly, I don’t even remember most of the movie because I only want to see the end where the passengers meet their fate by the infamous iceberg. With that, I’m going to refer to Wikipedia so that I may remember and talk about the parts I found ridiculous, unnecessary and just plain retarded…
Okay, so the movie starts off with some people finding the Titanic in present day time — blah blah. Ooh, what’s this! They find a locked case with a naked drawing of a mysterious woman! How enchanting. Somehow, this mysterious woman turns out to be some super old lady whose granddaughter found the footage. THIS LADY IS OLD AS DIRT. Every time I see this I’m like, “How the hell is this bitch still alive?” not to mention if I was the granddaughter, I would be appalled and disturbed: I just saw my own grandmother naked. Well, it was ages ago but still — she was naked.
Fast forward, the old lady who we find out is named Rose is introduced to the people that found Titanic. They’re super duper fascinated and want her to share her story. Great. Honestly, if I were her, instead of sitting there and explaining a three hour story, I would have skipped the details and went to the end: the captain was fucking blind and didn’t see an iceberg in the middle of the ocean and because of that, thousands of people died. The end! or at least skip to the scene where she has sex with Jack in the car!5 We all know that before Titanic sinking, that was the highlight.
Anyways, going into the future some more after Rose and Jack meet — yada yada yada, Rose decides to jump off the back of the boat by committing suicide! Mainly because she hates her life. Wow. You’re a rich bitch in the early 20th century and you hate your life? Your family probably had a billion dollars through inflation or some crap.
Moving some more, Rose gets naked the first time and poses nude for Jack — here’s where the picture came from! Either Jack was straight as a ruler or… I don’t even know. How can a dude SIT there and draw a naked woman in a room when they’re by themselves? Please, answer that. Notice how he used super extra detail around her boobs… yup. Jack’s a boob guy.
So Rose’s fiance… (or, whoever that dude is. I don’t know, I just know he’s ugly) sees the picture and gets super jealous so he locks Jack away where nobody will find him.6 HOW DO PASSENGERS GET ACCESS TO SUCH PLACES? I don’t remember where they locked Jack away, I just remember there were pipes everywhere and crap. I believe Titanic has been struck by the iceberg at this point…
Okay so! Titanic is sinking and everyone is screaming: OH MY GAWD WE’RE GONNA DIE! Now, this is my favorite part. You should see me screaming at the television every time I see this. Right, so they’re in the water and Jack is all, “Get on this door, Rose!” so she gladly gets her fat ass on. He tries to get on but they’re both too big for it — understandable. So she’s lying comfortably on top while Jack is freezing his ass off in the water. They talk for a bit; she’s scared she’s going to die (mind you, this same bitch was trying to commit suicide the day before… what?!), but he reassures her that she won’t.
She somehow falls asleep on said door and tries to wake up Jack. Uh-oh. YOU FUCKING KILLED HIM. How fucking hard is it to share a door?! You didn’t even want to live in the first place! Jack was a peasant boy that wanted to see America but you couldn’t give him that, could you? Cold-hearted, bitch.7
I don’t even… yeah. The ending is pretty boring too. She “drifts” (old Rose that is) to sleep and meets all the old passengers: including Jack. If I was Jack, I would have been like, “BITCH! Why did you leave me to die?” should have slapped her or something.
If you haven’t seen this, don’t. If you have… I’m sorry. I mainly watch it from time-to-time for the LULZ otherwise it’s pretty pointless. You’re better off reading the actual story of the real Titanic. Take it from me, it’s more interesting.
On another note, join my domain contest!
- Mind you, there have been a few movies they said were awful but I actually quite enjoyed. [↩]
- Wow! Three links in a paragraph — go me! [↩]
- I read somewhere that some women actually went to the theaters to see the movie up to five times. What. [↩]
- If I remember correctly, the entire movie is almost three hours. It’s probably three hours with the extended cut version. I know it’s super long because when I had it on VHS, it was on two tapes — yes! TWO FUCKING CASSETTE TAPES. [↩]
- It’s actually funny because I remember when I was younger, my mom was all, “No! Don’t watch that!” even though it doesn’t even show anything except Jack’s hand sliding down the window dramatically. I mean LOLWTF?! [↩]
- Because obviously Jack is getting more action than his ugly ass. [↩]
- Pun intended since you know, she was freezing in the water. [↩]
I guess everyone sees different things in movies. I really enjoy Titanic. It’s one of my favorite movies. I like some of the subtle humor that’s used in it. That being said, I have lots of friends who don’t like it, so you should know that you are definitely not the only person who is anti-Titanic. My only issue with the movie is that I always think that James Cameron is lacking the creativity to do the script justice.
Oh, and to answer the thing about the time. It’s 3 hours and 14 minutes when it was cut originally. With the extended/deleted scenes, it would be at 4 hours.